I have, well, a lot of kids. Some think four is a lot, and we are up to six. They are all spaced out though. My oldest is 18, Mollyolly. To be next two are 13, A & E (twins). Then we jump all the way down to Mr. S, or Optimus Prime as he likes to be called, who is 5. Alligator just turned 2, and our little missy, almost 3 months. If life wasn’t fun enough, we added in the neighbor kids this month while their parents are out of town. That gives us a 16 year old and another 5 year old to up our total responsibility to 8. I love it!
With all these children in the house, and other neighbor kids and friends of the kids who come, by we love Disney movies. Of course the latest of these treasures to our collection, “Frozen”, I have to say that this is one of the best yet. The songs just get stuck in your head. You sing them all day long. You wake up singing them. You catch your husband, who hates musicals, humming the tunes. You get so angry at the checker in the Costco lane for breaking out in song with your five year old, because for the first time in forever, it seems, you weren’t singing one of the songs in your head, and had made it till 11:18 in the morning! I know, let it go.
Many of my church going, God fearing friends have some issues with it. It’s full of magic, and if I had known that I probably wouldn’t have bought it off of iTunes to begin with. In all this magic though, God has shown me something.
I have spent the last few years watching my oldest struggle with who she is. First feeling that she wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or thin enough. Not perfect. I watched boys at school call her fat, friends teach her how to cut (too many) calories. When that didn’t stop the pain, she decided to let it out by cutting. When the cutting wasn’t working anymore, she switched to alcohol and drugs trying not to feel.
Just try not to feel. Queen Elsa says this in one of her songs. If she could just try not to feel, things would be ok. All her fear stayed bottled up inside of her. What was this fear? That who God had made her, how she was born, was wrong. Her abilities God gave her would hurt others. Now, I’m not sure if you have spent much time with God or studying the bible, but here is a freebie, God doesn’t make mistakes. He’s perfect. He can’t mess up. He’s God. So if He made you, which He did, He made you perfect. Life happens and there are many bad things that effect us after we leave His hands and end up here on Earth, but in your mama, he knitted you together. So if he knitted you to be a big boned girl like me who has an auto-immune disease that attacks your thyroid and so therefore I will never be a size 6 again in your life, it’s ok. God also made me loud. Opinionated. Passionate. Bold. Which is not ok if I were to be a librarian, but I’m not. He didn’t make me to enjoy getting up everyday, going to a cubical, doing my work, and going home. He made me different. Maybe it’s my age or the hours I’ve spent with Him, but I’m alright with being different now. Mollyolly, wasn’t.
In the last year I’ve watched her hide more. Hide who she really is for fear of hurting her sisters, her family. I’ve seen her run from her calling in life, to try to break free of all the restrictions she feels it demands. Then, when I saw her finally stand up to take her position in this world, she ran. She let it go. She built another home. She ran from the Kingdom and went off to be by herself. She says, the pain never bothered her anyway. When we come knocking on her door, she sent her monster to try to scare us off. It wasn’t the fear that pushed us away, it was that she accidentally hurt us.
Pastor James Weaver taught me something when my husband and I landed in his congregation. He drilled it in my head. Hurt people hurt others. It’s not that they meant to, or even notice how much they hurt you. It happens though.
Mollyolly never meant to hurt us. She wasn’t trying to freeze anyones heart. She was just trying to be free.
You can’t escape the storm inside of you though. It has to be calmed. My prayer is that Mollyolly will find the way to calm the storm inside of her. The trick is for us to keep pursuing her in the process.
Each time my heart is hurt by something she says, or does, I must remember that she is not trying to fight me, but herself. She doesn’t want to hurt me, but it happens. I must keep forgiving. I must keep going after her. I can’t let my heart become frozen. I must keep forgiving.
If we could look at more people this way. If we would keep pursing them through their snow storm until it looks as though we might freeze to death, they will finally see that we love them. It’s an act of true love that is bigger than a kiss. When a sister would lay down her life and jump in front of the enemy who is trying to take over, that is love! That is love.
God pursued me the same way for many years. I was told that all the things that make me who I am now were wrong. I was told that my mouth was useless. I even let it hurt people. I was told that my body was ugly, but my husband disagrees. I was told that my opinions and ideas were stupid, you can’t convince me of that now, at least not for very long. Now I understand that these are the powers that God gave me to be who He wants me to be. He sent Christ to chase after me, forgive me, love me, and show me how to bring back summer.
I love my girl. She will someday learn how to stop this storm, and bring back her summer. Until then, I will keep pursuing her though this storm. We will keep trying to reach her. Why? Because we love her.
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. John 15:13